and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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