as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
