I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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