Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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