Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
