Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
