I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
