And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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