My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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