Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Floor bacon is actually really good
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
