my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
