i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
