i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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