I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
