the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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