I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
