Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
