Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
