Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
