you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
