i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
