omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
