dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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