Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
