I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
