So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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