that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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