how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
