he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
