Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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