I think I just saw someone hide a body.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
