Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
