He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
