After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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