I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize