I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Girls should come with a carfax report
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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