im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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