when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
