I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
