I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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