Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
