Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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