does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You ruined the universe
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
