i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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