If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you had me at cake vodka
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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