Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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