There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
