Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dignity is for republicans.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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