Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
