Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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