i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
