the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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