haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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