i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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