Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
