Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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