she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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